


to be alone (with you)

by caesar



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Feelings, Gentleness, Mutual Pining, Touching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-11
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-10-26 10:04:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17743832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caesar/pseuds/caesar
Summary: Levi notices how much Historia touches him. He wonders if her kisses are as gentle as her touch.





	to be alone (with you)

**Author's Note:**

> if you **only** watch the anime, then there is a bit of a spoiler in the end of the fic. fair warning.
> 
> this was meant to be a fluff fic for valentine’s day...and then it turned into more feels than i anticipated.
> 
> this is for all of you. <3

The first time they touch each other gently is the night before the first expedition for Shigansina.

 

Levi sat behind a wall with his single cup of ale, listening to Eren, Mikasa, and Armin talk about things that would never be. He wonders what the ocean is when Armin suddenly shouts about it, and his chest tightens when his friends humor him about his dream. He can almost imagine what it would be like if his own two friends, already long gone, were celebrating with him tonight.

 

When he hears light footsteps approaching, he tenses, his posture stiffening when he sees that it is his new Queen joining him. She must have slipped by the trio without them noticing, since he didn’t hear them greet her. She’s wearing plainclothes, and her Survey Corps cloak is over her head, shielding her identity from the rare passerby. Her eyes are neutral as they meet Levi’s, guarding her emotions almost as well as him.

 

“Can I join you?” she asks in a hushed voice. He just inches over in response, and she sits between the wall and him, their hips touching due to the small space. He offers his ale to her, which she takes. He’s only had a few mouthfuls, hardly having put a dent in it.

 

She just sips it as he speaks in a whisper. “Why are you here? You should be celebrating with the people.” He gestures with his hand in the general direction of the barracks. “Or even your new court, or literally anyone but me.”

 

Historia hands him his cup back, and their fingers brush each other’s. “I didn’t want you to leave without me apologizing for punching you.”

 

“You’re shitting me,” he mutters with a shake of his head. “I deserved more. I choked you and forced this new role on you. Consider us even.”

 

They fall into a silence, the distant voices of the three scouts still out in the street. Levi drinks his ale, occasionally offering it to Historia, who accepts each time. They aren’t uncomfortable around each other, savoring the company of another who understands the feeling of overwhelming loneliness. They don’t need to make small talk, or force a conversation; they just listen to their friends talk about the future they plan to forge. She eventually leans in to his side, her arm pressed lightly against his. Her legs are stretched out, and for a brief moment he’s silently amused that her legs are shorter than his. As if to emphasize this, he straightens his legs out as well, and she finally looks up at him with an unamused expression. He holds out his cup, offering the last of his drink to her in a silent peace offering. A small smile pulls at her lips as she finishes the ale.

 

When she hands him back his cup, she moves her hand to cup his face with her hand. He’s startled and his eyes widen, stiffening as he awaits her next move.

 

She just kisses his cheek chastely, and then she’s suddenly getting to her feet. He looks up at her dumbly, the ghost of her lips tingling on his skin.

 

“Please come back alive, Captain Levi.”

 

He doesn’t say anything, just staring after her as she disappears into the night, leaving him stunned with his solitude.

 

* * *

 

Every year, several times a year, Historia returns to the orphanage to help out and tend to the children. The kids love her, and they are always overjoyed when she comes to stay with them for a week or two at a time.

 

This time, she is received by not only the children, but her former captain as well.

 

“Captain Levi,” she breathes as the door to her carriage is opened. The small group of children are eager to greet her, and three of them are attached to Levi in some way. He’s holding a particularly young girl—maybe three years old?—who has wide green eyes, and a boy and girl the of age seven are clinging to a leg each, bursting with excitement at the sight of Historia. She recognizes the two on his legs as twin siblings, Elliott and Ellen.

 

Despite the energy surrounding him, he looks bored as he just nods to the Queen.

 

She doesn’t have time to talk to him as the children ambush her, all speaking a mile a minute. She smiles warmly at them, indulging each conversation topic as it’s thrown at her. This goes on for a few minutes until Levi corrals the kids, telling them she’ll read them a story before supper if they behave. Encouraged by the reward, the children back off and just play with one another while Historia gets settled inside.

 

Levi watches her go inside, his stomach flipping uncomfortably.

 

“‘Storia!” the young girl in his arms shouts.

 

He can’t help but let a small smile pull at his lips as he looks at the child, her eyes glittering. She looks so much like Isabel, it makes his heart ache painfully, but he pushes the hurt aside. He holds her a little tighter as he nods, saying, “Yeah, Mona. That’s Historia.”

 

* * *

 

A story, dinner, and another half-story later, all the children are tucked into bed except for one.

 

Levi knows that he gives Mona more attention than the other children, but he reasons that it’s because of her tender age as well as her appearance. He can’t ignore how nostalgic she makes him, but once she’s able to keep up with the other children he’ll be sure to pull back on the leeway he gives her.

 

Until then, he’s tucking her into bed last. Her sleepy eyes are half-lidded as she looks up at him, fighting sleep’s pull.

 

“Go to sleep,” he coos gently. “There will be more time with Queen Historia tomorrow, I promise.”

 

“And Levi?” Mona asks as she yawns.

 

“Yes, of course,” he promises. Pleased with the answer, the young girl drifts off into sleep. He allows himself to smile as he tucks in the sheets around her before he stands, feeling embarrassed when he sees Historia watching him from the doorway.

 

Historia smiles fondly at him. “There’s tea ready, if you’ll join me.” She holds out her hand to him, her palm facing upwards.

 

Levi stares at the Queen, his stormy gaze holding hers before drifting down to her hand. She waits patiently, her expression soft. He feels warmth bloom in his chest and spread through his limbs, making his hands feel hypersensitive as he walks toward her, putting his hand in hers.

 

He doesn’t have particularly large hands, but they still make hers look so small when her fingers curl around his own. Wordlessly, she leads him to the dining room, where a teapot ready with two cups sits on the table. She drops his hand so she can pour them tea, the smell of chamomile and spearmint filling his senses.

 

“I figured it would help you sleep, since you already do so little of that alone, let alone with the kids,” she explains without him asking. He accepts the teacup gratefully, and he hums in appreciation at the taste.

 

“You know how to make a good cup of tea,” he compliments.

 

Levi would compliment her a hundred times a day if he gets the same smile she gives him now. “That’s high praise coming from you, Captain.” Her eyes twinkle even in the low light of the room. He’s briefly reminded of the stars in the sky at the sight.

 

“Just Levi. I’m not your captain.”

 

Historia nods, sipping on her drink. “Okay, _Levi_.” She tests his name on her lips playfully and his eyes watch her mouth as she speaks.

 

He reminds himself that even though she’s an adult though, she’s still too young for him. She deserves more than a tired old man. She deserves more than Levi.

 

And yet, when she hides her growing smile behind her teacup and her foot gently touches his accidentally under the table, he can’t help but feel his heart race.

 

He drinks the tea, allowing the butterflies to flutter in his stomach, enjoying her company for the night.

 

* * *

 

During Historia’s stay at the orphanage, this becomes their routine. In the daytime, they give each other lingering glances, hints of smiles, and when they are near each other they find a reason to touch the other person. In passing they might touch the other person’s back, when they sit near each other their legs bump, or when she talks to him she places her hand on his arm. At night they share a pot of tea and make light conversation, or sometimes they don’t talk at all. Their bodies find excuses to reach out to the other and they allow the other to see a softer side of themself. The world and war around them disappears in these gentle nights.

 

When Levi’s stay is beginning to draw to a close, he dreads his final day. Going back means more paperwork, more fighting, and more bullshit.

 

He’ll lose...whatever this is he has here.

 

Historia knows that it’s his last night. She knows that he’s about to prepare to leave for Marley, and that he may not come back.

 

Before he goes to put the children to bed, she stops him when he passes by her by grabbing his arm. When he faces her with a blank face, she puts her other hand on his chest; he worries she can feel his pounding heart.

 

“I’ll have tea ready by the time you’re done,” she says softly. When he nods, she disappears, her touch haunting him.

 

Levi saw the fear of what’s to come that burns behind the carefree yet regal facade she’s put up around the children.He isn’t afraid of what he’s leaving for, but he does worry about his instinct to hold back around her. His gut knots when he thinks about not reaching out to her at least once before he goes.

 

Once he puts Mona to bed, he’s done for the night.

 

He feels more nervous about to face a Queen who looks at him with longing glances and touches him gently than he does facing titans and other murderous humans.

 

When Levi rounds the corner, he finds Historia waiting with tea, as she has been every night the last two weeks. He takes a slow, deep breath, and he sits next to her instead of across from her.

 

If she’s surprised, she doesn’t show it. She just smiles again at him as she pours him a cup of tea. It smells of her usual concoction that is meant to be a sleep aid; he sleeps an extra hour or so with it, so he’s thankful.

 

“When do you leave tomorrow?”

 

He sips his tea, holding her gaze. Up close, he can see how much her eyes shine like crystal. “After lunch.”

 

Her smile is tight and doesn’t reach her eyes. He doesn’t want to leave, but he knows he has to.

 

In an attempt to comfort her, but also fulfill this need to reach out to her in the ways she’s done to him, he takes her hand in his.

 

Her eyes widen slightly, and her demeanor shifts. Her slender fingers curl between his, the tips of her fingers ghosting across his palm. He hides his anxiety by drinking his tea, but he tightens his hold on her hand.

 

Once her cup is empty, Historia changes her hold on his hand to cradle it in both of hers, turning his palm upward. Her thumbs trace over the lines and calluses, and he lets her, his heart racing. Even when Levi finishes his tea, the calming mix has no effect on him.

 

When her eyes meet his again, he feels a pull from his chest, a yearning he’s never known before. He wants to lean in, to kiss her as gently as she touches him, but his body tenses and he backs out. Historia seems to see this, so she inches to the end of her seat, her knees in between his. She holds his hand in both of hers, moving it so it’s on her cheek. His breathing hitches, and he marvels at how soft her skin is and how she flushes under his hand. He slides his hand to the back of her head, threading his fingers through her golden hair as he pulls her closer. Her eyes flutter shut, so he does the same, following her lead because he can’t remember what he’s supposed to do anymore.

 

Her lips are sweeter than any wine he’s ever tasted.

 

Levi doesn’t know how he’s ever going to let her go and go to a whole other world.

 

Her hands grip the front of his shirt, and she unbuttons the top buttons of his shirt just enough so she can put her hand on his bare chest. His senses are full of Historia, under his fingertips, the smell of her, the taste of tea on her lips, her hushed sounds.

 

He grips her hair at the base of her neck maybe a little too tightly, but she moans when he does. She _moans_ , and _fuck_ , his tongue explores her mouth, coaxing more delicious sounds from her. He moves closer, barely in his own chair as he longs for more.

 

Historia breaks the kiss to catch her breath, but she pulls him into a tight embrace and buries her face in his neck. His hold is tighter than hers, afraid she’ll disappear like everyone else. They breathe heavily, unsure of who will make the next move.

 

It’s Levi who does, kissing the crook of her neck, unwilling to let her go. She moves away just enough to kiss him again, as gentle as all her touches always are with him. She whispers words in between kisses, her lips wet with fresh tears.

 

“Levi, please come back alive.”

 

He doesn’t promise anything, fearful of breaking that promise the way he thinks he breaks everything else in his life.

 

He kisses her instead.

 

He doesn’t speak his promise, but he gives her his word in the way he holds her close.

**Author's Note:**

> happy valentine’s day everyone!  
> ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡
> 
> much love


End file.
